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Showing Respect with Attention

The 7 Forms of Respect (7 FoRs)® tool builds mutual trust and understanding by giving people a vocabulary to describe what matters to themselves and others. Respect is relative. What is important to one person might not be important to someone else.

In this post, we will go in-depth on “Attention” as a form of respect. The 7 Forms of Respect® include procedure, punctuality, information, candor, consideration, acknowledgement and attention. Attention focuses on giving up distractions. 

How Attention shows up in everyday life

Imagine you’ve been invited to attend a special presentation. There are about a dozen people in the room. Just as the presentation is about to start, your boss asks you to read a report and share your initial reactions as soon as possible.

Do you ignore your boss’ message and pay full attention to the presentation? If so, you’ve decided to give Attention to the speaker.

Do you tell your boss you aren’t available because you have another obligation and you need more notice, returning your full attention to the speaker? If so, you gave Candor to your boss and Attention to the speaker.

Do you try to discreetly read ther report on your phone and respond while listening to the presentation? You are giving Procedure to your boss at the expense of Attention to the speaker.

Do you tell others around you that you need to  address an urgent work matter so they know what you are doing while listening to the presentation? If so, you are giving Information to others, Procedure to your boss, but not Attention to the speaker.

This example illustrates the complexity and trade offs of respect. It demonstrates that the ways in which we want to get and give respect are not universal and can change depending on an individual’s preferences and the situation. The degree to which you expect this form of respect may depend on the power dynamics of your relationship.

Attention can look like: 

  • Listening attentively. 
  • Referring back to other people’s comments to indicate you were listening. 
  • Not interrupting except to ask clarifying questions.

Lack of Attention as a form of respect looks like: 

  • Multitasking.
  • Interrupting to comment.
  • Allowing for distractions.

How Attention can be interpreted differently 

There are many different personal and professional reasons why someone would care about giving and/or getting Attention as a form of respect. Understanding your FoRs starts with asking yourself, why does this matter to me? Many people in our research talked about their families and childhood. Others focused on the demands of their current job function and company culture. 

FoR provides a shared language to describe what you need. You’ll be able to use this language to navigate conflict and address misunderstanding. This can come up when you want a particular FoR of respect and you aren’t getting it. You can then share why the FoR matters to you.

Scenario 1:
Sue is a new leader at a company and she noticed that in group meetings, everyone has their laptop open and their phones facing up on the table. The team historically has not given Attention as a form of respect to one another. People openly multi-task. The first few times she leads the meeting she’s distracted by the multi-tasking. At her third meeting, she asks people to close their laptops and turn over their phones. “I know Attention doesn’t matter to most of you. It matters to me. I feel respected when I know you are focused on what I’m saying. For the early part of my career, people regularly couldn’t hear my contributions because they were distracted. They didn’t know I felt disrespected until I said something. The multi-tasking made me feel like whatever else they were working on was more important than me. Once I started asking for respect the way I needed it, they could hear my ideas and that’s how I got to where I am today.”

Scenario 2:
Rosa has a colleague, Ernie, who interrupts her constantly when they are talking. He inserts his own stories and comments. Finally, she tells him, “I need Attention as a form of respect and you constantly interrupt me. I wish you would just listen to me. Ernie is surprised, “In my culture, we
interrupt each other all the time, It’s my way of showing I’m interested and engaged. I didn’t mean to disrespect you and I’ll try to wait until you finish talking before I say something .”

Our preference for certain FoR are rooted in our past experiences. Explaining those experiences builds empathy with others. Use the FoR to find common ground with someone who wants to give or get respect differently than you do. Ask them about their past experiences and who influenced them.

What’s Next

Check out Dr. Julie Pham’s book, 7 Forms of Respect: A Guide to Transforming Your Communication and Relationships at Work.

Check out the book!

To learn more, visit our website. CuriosityBased is also available to host workshops for your team or company  so you can  improve communication, collaboration and trust.

Is Attention a form of respect for you? 

Take the free quiz here.

Check out the digital course!

Showing respect with Acknowledgement

In this post, we will be going in-depth on “Acknowledgement” as a form of respect. The 7 FoR include: procedure, punctuality, information, candor, consideration, acknowledgement and attention. Acknowledgement focuses on communicating that you recognize people’s work, talents, and contributions, publicly or privately.

How Acknowledgement shows up in everyday life 

Imagine you work at a company that has a culture of public acknowledgement, which you know makes the top performer on your team cringe. He has told you repeatedly he does not want public recognition for his work. His latest contribution led to one of the biggest innovations at the company in recent history. You are asked to celebrate him at the company-wide meeting.

Do you publicly praise this employee, despite his expressed wishes not to be recognized? If so, you’ll be adhering to a company culture that prefers to demonstrate respect through Acknowledgement.

If you decide not to mention the employee, you are giving him Consideration and also a lack of Acknowledgement, which is what he has asked for in the past.

Reflect on people in your life or past experiences that may have influenced how you prefer to be acknowledged. 

If Acknowledgement is important to you, you will demonstrate respect by verbally and/or in writing express your gratitude. You like to give positive praise and recognize their contributions, publicly and/or privately. Whenever possible, you will acknowledge their requests, even if you can’t fulfill them.

You feel respected when you are thanked for your work and by being recognized and even praised for your specific contributions. When people let you know they received your communication, even if you didn’t ask for confirmation, you feel seen and heard. 

The degree to which you give and expect to get this form of respect may depend on the power dynamics in the relationships.

Acknowledgement can look like: 

  • Giving positive praise and recognizing others’ contributions
  • Thanking people, even if they met minimum expectations 
  • Acknowledge the requests of others, if you can’t fulfill them

Lack of Acknowledgement as a form of respect looks like: 

  • Only thanking people when they have exceeded expectations
  • Only praising people for extraordinary work
  • Not confirming receipt of communication

How Acknowledgement can be interpreted differently 

There are many different personal and professional reasons why someone would care about giving and/or receiving  Acknowledgement as a form of respect. Understanding your preferred forms of respect starts with asking yourself why does this matter to me? Many people in our research talked about their families and childhood. Others focused on the demands of their current job function and company culture. 

FoR provides a shared language to describe what you need. You’ll be able to use this language to navigate conflict and address misunderstanding. This can come up when you want a particular FoR of respect and you aren’t getting it. You can then share why the FoR matters to you.

Scenario 1:

When Yomara, a manager, sends out email instructions to her direct reports, they acknowledge receipt. Thế Anh is the only one who does not. So Yomara asks Thế Anh, “Could you let me know when you get my email? It assures me that you’ve seen it.” Thế Anh’s answer said, “Yes, I can do that. I wasn’t sure how you wanted me to respond because when I send you emails, you don’t acknowledge them. So I assumed you don’t like to receive or send extraneous emails. I also like to have my emails acknowledged.” 

Scenario 2:

Krishneel has just been promoted manager and now has two people on his team, Isabell and Katie. Isabell gets her work done on time and meets Krishneel’s expectations. Katie proactively pushes for opportunities to improve every project that she is given. At meetings, Krishneel praises both Isabell and Katie equally. Over time, Krishneel notices Katie’s performance drops and she is no longer excelling. She only meets minimum expectations. Krishneel asks Katie, “Is something wrong? You don’t seem to be as engaged as before.” Katie explains, “You tell everyone on your team we do ‘amazing’ work all the time. To me, I only want to get Acknowledgement if it feels meaningful. When you give so much of it, I don’t know my true performance.” Krishneel didn’t realize that his liberal use of Acknowledgement could have negative consequences.

Our preference for certain Forms of Respect are rooted in our past experiences. Explaining those experiences builds empathy with others. Whenever you work with someone who doesn’t share your same forms of respect, you can use 7 FoRs to talk about it. Ask them about their past experiences and who influenced them.

Acknowledgement is a form of respect that focuses on expressions of praise and gratitude.

What’s Next

Check out Dr. Julie Pham’s book, 7 Forms of Respect: A Guide to Transforming Your Communication and Relationships at Work.

Check out the book!

To learn more, visit our website. CuriosityBased is also available to hold workshops with your company or team about applying the 7 Forms of Respect to improve communication, collaboration and trust.

Is Acknowledgement a form of respect for you? 
Take the free quiz here.

Check out the digital course!

Showing respect with Candor

The 7 Forms of Respect (7 FoR).™ tool builds mutual trust and understanding by giving people a vocabulary to describe what matters to themselves and others. Respect is relative. What is important to one person might not be important to someone else. 

In this post, we will be going in-depth on “Candor” as a form of respect. The 7 FoR include: procedure, punctuality, information, candor, consideration, acknowledgement and attention. Candor focuses on asking probing questions, offering constructive feedback (both solicited and unsolicited), bringing up opposing viewpoints, and pointing out mistakes and errors. 

How Candor shows up in everyday life 

Imagine you are in a meeting to review a  colleague’s project. You both report to the same manager. Your colleague has just finished presenting. Your manager  asks you specifically what you think about the presentation. You think there are some flaws in your colleague’s project execution. You know this particular colleague does not like constructive feedback. 

Do you voice this constructive criticism openly at the meeting and respond to your manager? 

If you choose to give feedback on-the-spot, you are giving respect in the form of Candor, which is what your manager wants but your colleague does not like. 

Do you only express the positive aspects of your feedback? If you only give praise, you are showing respect in the form of Acknowledgment to your colleague and not giving respect to your manager in the way he asked for it.

Do you ask for more time to think about it and then share it with your manager later on, so your colleague doesn’t have to hear it? If you choose to defer, you are giving your colleague consideration because you are guessing they would prefer that, though you don’t know. You will still be able to give your manager Candor, though delayed. 

This example illustrates the complexity and trade offs of giving respect to people with different preferences, at the same time. It shows the ways we want to get and give respect are not universal and can change depending on the individual’s preferences. The degree to which you expect this form of respect may depend on the power dynamics of your relationship.

Candor can look like: 

  • Asking probing questions
  • Offering constructive feedback (both solicited and unsolicited)
  • Bringing up opposing viewpoints
  • Pointing out mistakes

Lack of Candor as a form of respect looks like: 

  • Withholding opinions that differ from the others, even when asked
  • Withholding constructive criticism

How Candor can be interpreted differently 

There are many different personal and professional reasons why someone would care about giving and/or getting Candor as a form of respect. Understanding your forms of respect starts with asking yourself, why does this matter to me? Many people in our research talked about their families and childhood. Others focused on the demands of their current job function and company culture. 

The 7 FoR provide a shared language to describe what you need. You’ll be able to use this language to navigate conflict and address misunderstanding. This can come up when you want a particular FoR of respect and you aren’t getting it. You can then share why the FoR matters to you.

Scenario 1:

Kim is a high-performing employee who has been promoted three times in a year. Now she is meeting regularly with the CEO to discuss her work. The CEO likes to adopt the opposing viewpoint to challenge her work, in order to push her thinking. Kim has always appreciated getting Candor as a form of respect. This constant Devil’s Advocate makes her feel anxious. After a month of interrogation meetings with the CEO, she begins to doubt if she wants to stay at the company. Because she knows the CEO appreciates getting Candor, she tells him of her concerns, “I know this is the way you like to give Candor and it makes me feel like I constantly have to prove myself and how much I know.” The CEO was very surprised. “I grew up with lawyers for parents and we constantly debated. No one has ever told me this before, I wonder how many other people I made feel uncomfortable. Thank you for your Candor. I won’t probe in that way anymore and I’ll stick to direct feedback.” Because Kim gave the CEO Candor about his Candor, he was able to adjust how he gave Candor.

Scenario 2:

Travis has been passed over for a promotion twice.  He has asked for feedback on his performance so he knows what to do to improve his work so that he can get promoted. His manager instead tells him he’s doing really well. He even gets an employee recognition award. But this award feels empty because he hasn’t gotten a title promotion nor a pay raise. He finally tells his manager he feels disrespected. He wants to get Candor from her and she gives him Acknowledgement instead. Once he frames it that way, she realizes she does not like to give Candor as a form of Respect because she doesn’t know how to tell Travis about the areas he needs to improve, though she is aware of them. She herself did not have managers who modelled giving constructive feedback effectively. She hadn’t realized her own preferences were hindering his ability to prove he was ready for a promotion. He was not satisfied by just doing his current job well. She started to give him Candor so that he would feel respected,

Our preference for certain Forms of Respect are rooted in our past experiences. Explaining those experiences builds empathy with others. Whenever you work with someone who doesn’t share your same FoR , you can use FoR to talk about it. Ask them about their past experiences and who influenced them.

Candor is a form of respect that focuses on giving information meant to influence an outcome or encourage change.

What’s Next

Check out Dr. Julie Pham’s book, 7 Forms of Respect: A Guide to Transforming Your Communication and Relationships at Work.

Check out the book!

To learn more, visit our website. The CuriosityBased staff are  also available to hold workshops with your company or team to learn how to apply  the 7 Forms of Respect to improve communication, collaboration and trust.

Is Candor a form of respect you value? 

Take the free quiz here.

Check out the digital course!

Showing respect with Consideration

The 7 Forms of Respect (7 FoR).™ tool builds mutual trust and understanding by giving people a vocabulary to describe what matters to themselves and others. Respect is relative. What is important to one person might not be important to someone else.

In this post, we will be going in-depth on “Consideration” as a form of respect. The 7 forms include: procedure, punctuality, information, candor, consideration, acknowledgement and attention. Consideration focuses on anticipating someone’s needs and wants and acting accordingly.

How Consideration shows up in everyday life 

Imagine you just came back to work after a long family leave. You find it difficult  to adjust to the new schedule. You’re tired, stressed, and overwhelmed and you’re vocal about how you feel with your co-workers. You find out that one of your peers got assigned to an exciting new project and you weren’t asked if you wanted to work on it.

Do you feel relieved that your boss recognized that you are not ready to work on a  time-consuming project even though it would have been fun? 

Or do you wish you’d been given the option to decide for yourself even if you would have most likely said no?

Imagine if you had been asked, would you have felt respected that you had the option to say no? Or would you have felt annoyed that your boss asked you to do something that would have made your already stressful situation more dire? If you wanted your boss to recognize your situation and assume you’d be  unavailable for the project then you prefer respect in the form of Consideration.

If you want your boss to ignore your signs of stress and ask you anyway, assuming that you’d prefer to decide on your own then Consideration is not a form of Respect you prefer.

This example illustrates how the ways we want to get and give respect are not universal and can change depending on the individual’s preferences. 

Consideration can look like: 

  • Anticipating what others want and need and interacting with them based on your beliefs
  • Surprising people with gifts you think they’ll like
  • Avoiding asking them to do things you don’t think they’ll like
  • Avoiding asking questions or bringing up topics you think will be uncomfortable for them to share

Lack of Consideration as a form of respect looks like: 

  • Expecting people to express what they need
  • Asking people what they want instead of surprising them
  • Asking someone to do something they may not like or be capable of because you think it’s up to them to say no
  • Asking them questions and topics that may be viewed as personal or uncomfortable because you believe they will decline if they prefer not to answer

How Consideration can be interpreted differently 

There are many different personal and professional reasons why someone would care about giving and/or getting Consideration as a form of respect. Understanding your forms of respect starts with asking yourself, why does this matter to me? Many people in our research talked about their families and childhood. Others focused on the demands of their current job function and company culture. 

FoR provides a shared language to describe what you need. You’ll be able to use this language to navigate conflict and address misunderstanding. This can come up when you want a particular FoR of respect and you aren’t getting it. You can then share why the FoR matters to you.

Scenario 1:

Susan is in charge of employee engagement at her company. She loves surprising people with special gifts, like meaningful trinkets and tickets to special events that she thinks the team would like. She just found out that there are team members who don’t like to be surprised and they would rather be asked what they’d like. Then there are some colleagues who tell her how much they like her thoughtfulness, even though they don’t personally use the gifts. “Consideration” as a form of respect can include surprising people with the intent to delight them. Susan likes to give consideration. Some people like to get it and some don’t. Susan’s father surprised her with many gifts as a child and Consideration was modeled for her. One person who doesn’t like surprises revealed his parents love giving him gifts that he doesn’t need and he then has to find a way to dispose of them. Two people can have a similar childhood experience and have different reactions. 

Scenario 2:

Casey works at a consulting firm that compensates her for her billable hours. Casey is semi-retired and works for fun, not because she needs the money. She noticed her boss, Evie, assigned more work to two consultants who already have a lot of work to do. She asks her boss, “Why aren’t you giving me more work when I have more availability?” Her boss replies, “Lu is saving to buy a house and Kerry has a family to support.” Casey realized Evie was taking into consideration employees’ personal financial situation in terms of allocating work. Evie also believed that since Casey chose to be semi-retired, Casey didn’t want to work as much. They talked about it. Evie was showing respect to Lu and Kerry with Consideration. Evie explained that as the oldest child in a large family, from a young age, she took care of others. Casey reflected on why she didn’t want Consideration as a form of respect because she preferred to be given the choice. She grew up with parents who made a lot of decisions for her and she didn’t like it.

Our preference for certain Forms of Respect are rooted in our past experiences. Explaining those experiences builds empathy with others. Whenever you work with someone who doesn’t share your same forms of respect, you can use FoR to talk about it. Ask them about their past experiences and who influenced them.

Consideration is a form of respect that anticipates other people’s wants and needs and allows you to interact with them accordingly. 

What’s Next

Check out Dr. Julie Pham’s book, 7 Forms of Respect: A Guide to Transforming Your Communication and Relationships at Work.

Check out the book!

To learn more, visit our website. CuriosityBased is also available to hold workshops with your company or team about applying the 7 Forms of Respect to improve communication, collaboration and trust.

Is Consideration a form of respect for you? 

Take the free quiz here.

Check out the digital course!

Showing respect with Information

This is our third installment of an introduction to the  7 Forms of Respect (FoR),™a tool that provides a vocabulary to describe what matters most to you and others. The 7 FoR tool builds mutual trust and understanding by giving people a vocabulary to describe what matters to you and to others. Respect is relative. What is important to you might not be important to someone else.

In this post, we will be going in-depth on “Information” as a form of respect. The others include: procedure, punctuality, candor, consideration, acknowledgement and attention. Information as a form of respect can be described as access to unedited information.

How Information shows up in everyday life 

Imagine you’re the CEO of a company engaging in discussions about pay equity. You have always prided yourself on fostering a transparent culture. Some of your senior leaders have suggested that the company publish everyone’s salary as a way to help ensure pay equity. You know there are many people uncomfortable with that suggestion.

Do you publish everyone’s salary? Or does that feel like it’s an invasion of privacy? Sharing salary is legal. And, if you publish, you are giving respect in the form of Information to your employees.

If you don’t publish, you are giving Consideration as a form of respect to those employees who you suspect would not  want their salary shared.

This example demonstrates the complexity of creating respectful policies, because people have different expectations or what respect looks like. 

Information can look like: 

  • Offering a lot of extra context and background information 
  • Inviting people to meetings even when they have no clear role to play
  • Copying people on emails just so they are informed, not because they need to do something with the information 
  • Giving people open access to files so they can look through them themselves 

Lack of Information as a form of respect looks like: 

  • Only sharing information on a need to know basis 
  • Only inviting people to meetings who have a clear role to play 
  • Removing people from the copy line of emails if you feel they no longer need to be included 

How Information can be interpreted differently 

There are many different personal and professional reasons why someone would care about giving and/or getting Information as a form of respect. Understanding your forms of respect starts with asking yourself: why does this matter to me? Many people in our research talked about their families and childhood. Others focused on the demands of their current job function and company culture. 

FoR provides a shared language to describe what you need. You’ll be able to use this language to navigate conflict and address misunderstanding. This can come up when you want a particular FoR of respect and you aren’t getting it. You can then share why the FoR matters to you.

Scenario 1:

Mona was a project manager working in small and medium nonprofits before she was offered a job at  a large tech company. Her coworkers started inviting her to so many meetings and adding her to the copy line of their emails. Her Inbox exploded. She thought they were just trying to get her up to speed. After two months, she told her manager  how the volume of emails and meetings made her feel overwhelmed . She was instructed to replicate the behavior. To copy other people on emails even if they were only tangentially related to the project. “Aren’t I wasting people’s time by sending them things to read that aren’t related to the work?” She asked her manager.”  We show respect here by giving Information. We let people decide what to do with the information. It’s important to keep them in the loop,” her manager explained.

Scenario 2:

Eric and Leo are peers on a team together and they report to the same manager. Eric shared  guidance on a project to Leo over email. Leo had some questions about Eric’s guidance and responded over email and copied their manager. Eric got upset that Leo added their manager to the email chain. He answered Leo’s question and removed their manager from the “reply all.” Leo responded and added their manager back on the copy line. Eric then called Leo, “Why do you keep adding our manager on the email? She’s busy and you’re wasting her time and you’re making me look like I don’t know – how to do my job in front of her.” Leo said, “She told us she likes to be given visibility on our communication. She said she likes to get Information as her form of Respect. I’m not trying to get you in trouble. I’m just trying to do what our manager asked for!” Eric then understood Leo was prioritizing their manager’s needs, not trying to disrespect him. 

Our preference for certain Forms of Respect are rooted in our past experiences. Explaining those experiences builds empathy with others. Whenever you work with someone who doesn’t share your same forms of respect, you can use FoR to talk about it. Ask them about their past experiences and who influenced them.

Information is a form of respect focused on offering free access to information and data without the other person having to ask for it. It does not require guiding others to do something with the information. It is giving information for the sake of giving information. If you don’t care about Information as a form of respect, it doesn’t mean you’re disrespectful. It just means you may value privacy and targeted information sharing over transparency. 

What’s Next

Check out Dr. Julie Pham’s book, 7 Forms of Respect: A Guide to Transforming Your Communication and Relationships at Work.

Check out the book!

To learn more, visit our website. CuriosityBased is also available to hold workshops with your company or team about applying  the 7 Forms of Respect to improve communication, collaboration and trust.

Is Information a form of respect for you? 

Take the free quiz here.

Check out the digital course!

Showing respect with Punctuality

This is our second installment of an introduction to the  7 Forms of Respect (FoR),™a tool that provides a vocabulary to describe what matters most to you and others.

In this post we will be going in-depth on “Punctuality” as a form of respect. The others include: procedure, information, candor, consideration, acknowledgement and attention. Punctuality as a form of respect is about adherence to deadlines, being on time, staying on schedule, and generally being mindful of time.

How Punctuality shows up in everyday life 

Imagine you’re a mid-level manager and you’re in a one-on-one meeting with executive A at your company. You finished talking about business and now he’s telling you about his views on life (he’s talkative). You have a meeting scheduled with Executive B at 4 pm, and now it’s 3:59 and Executive A is still passionately telling you about his worldviews. Do you interrupt him and let him know you have another meeting with Executive B? Or do you continue to carefully listen to him until he completes his thoughts?

If you chose to interrupt Executive A so you can start your next meeting on time, you are giving respect to Executive B in the form of punctuality and to Executive A by letting him

know you won’t take up more of his time than originally scheduled.

If you chose to continue to listen to Executive A without interrupting him, you chose to give him respect in the form of attention because you stayed focused on the conversation.

And how would your answer change if the Executive A was actually your peer or someone who had less power than you?

Or if Executive B was your peer or someone who had less power than you?

This demonstrates how forms of respect are subtle and present in everyday life.

Punctuality can look like: 

  • Being on time to meetings
  • Adhering to a schedule
  • Meeting deadlines
  • Letting others know beforehand when  you’ll be late

Lack of Punctuality as a form of respect looks like: 

  • Being late to meetings
  • Not adhering to a schedule
  • Missing deadlines
  • Not telling people ahead of time you’ll be late

How Punctuality can be interpreted differently 

There are many different personal and professional reasons why someone would care about giving and/or getting Punctuality as a form of respect. Understanding your forms of respect starts with asking yourself: why does this matter to me? Many people in our research talked about their families and childhood. Others focused on the demands of their current job function and meeting expectations. 

FoR provides a shared language to describe what you need. You’ll be able to use this language to navigate conflict and address misunderstanding. This can come up when you want a particular FoR of respect and you aren’t getting it. You can then share why the FoR matters to you.

scenario 1: 

Cedric is a first-year reporter at a city newspaper. Although his drafts are excellent, he is constantly missing his deadlines, which upsets Thu, his editor. Thu tells Cedric, “I don’t understand why you keep submitting your drafts late. Punctuality is critical to journalism.” After some reflection, Cedric realized he was afraid of turning in essays less than perfect, which made the tight timelines difficult to meet. For Thu, she just expected drafts, not perfection. Hetold her he feared she would question his competency if he didn’t submit the best quality. Throughout his life, this caused him to be late because he prioritized quality over timeliness. Once he told Thu, she reassured him that she knew he was talented. 

scenario 2:

Rachel has a new boss who transferred from one of the company’s international offices. In their first month of working together, he has never been on time to a meeting, and has cancelled six meetings after the meetings were supposed to start. Finally, she told him, “You are often late or reschedule our meetings. Punctuality is an important form of respect to me. I understand you’re busy and many times, you won’t be on time. I was raised to see punctuality as a way to value other people’s time. So your tardiness makes me feel like you don’t value mine.” Chris was surprised. “I didn’t realize you felt disrespected. In my culture, we see time as flexible. At my  office back home, we never really followed the scheduled time. I’ll be more mindful. I realize other people in this office might feel the same way as you and haven’t said anything to me about it.” 

Because Rachel expressed her frustration, she learned Chris was not being disrespectful on purpose and that in fact he was doing it to other people in the office too. Chris was able to prioritize punctuality as a form of respect for all his co-workers in this office.

Our preference for certain Forms of Respect are rooted in our past experiences. Explaining those experiences builds empathy with others. Whenever you work with someone who doesn’t share your same forms of respect, you can use FoR to talk about it. Ask them about their past experiences, who influenced them, and why adhering to the rules is personally important.

Punctuality is a form of respect focused on meeting time constraints. If you don’t care about Punctuality as a form of respect, it doesn’t mean you’re disrespectful. It just means you don’t place as much value or emphasis on meeting time constraints.

What’s Next

Check out Dr. Julie Pham’s book, 7 Forms of Respect: A Guide to Transforming Your Communication and Relationships at Work.

Check out the book!

To learn more, you can sign up for a workshop and get access to our full 7 Forms of Respect Assessment. CuriosityBased is also available to consult with your company or team about applying  the 7 Forms of Respect to improve communication, collaboration, and trust.

Is Punctuality a form of respect for you? 

Take the free quiz here.

Check out the digital course!

Showing respect with Procedure

Welcome to the 7 Forms of Respect (FoR)®  Over the next few months, we’ll introduce you to these concepts and give examples of how to apply them to your life to learn more about which forms of respect you like to “give” and which ones you like to “get”. The 7 FoR tool provides a vocabulary to describe what matters to you and to others. Inturn, it builds mutual understanding and trust. Respect is relative. What is important to you might not be important to someone else. The 7 FoR is a framework to describe the different forms of respect.

In this post, we will be going in-depth on “Procedure” as a form of respect. The others include: punctuality, information, candor, consideration, acknowledgement and attention. Procedure as a form of respect is about adherence to and making of rules, clearly stated expectations, and protocol.

How Procedure shows up in everyday life 

Imagine you were invited to speak at an event. After the event, a long line forms of audience members who want to speak with you privately. As the line winds down, acquaintances you know start to exit the room and they come by to say goodbye. Do you put those in the line on hold so you can thank and have a brief conversation with those acquaintances who came to your talk? Or do you wave goodbye to your acquaintance and continue to talk with those who have been waiting in the line?

If you chose to talk to the acquaintances, you gave them respect in the form of Acknowledgement, at the expense of the audience members who were waiting in line.

If you chose to focus on those who are waiting in line, you gave them respect in the form of Procedure by addressing them first since they followed the norms.

Years ago, I was waiting in that line for my turn. The speaker chose to respect his acquaintances. Looking back, I am sure he did not mean to disrespect the audience members waiting in the line. Perhaps other people in the line did not feel disrespected in the way that I did because they don’t place such a high value on Procedure. Because I do, especially from those who have more power than me, I felt disrespected because he was letting people “cut the line.” He chose not to adhere to Procedure.

This demonstrates how forms of respect are subtle and present in everyday life.

Procedure can look like: 

  • Clear expectations of how something needs to be done
  • Detailed written rules and guidelines
  • Honorifics, titles, and salutations to address people
  • Focus on the process

Lack of Procedure as a form of respect looks like: 

  • No or vague expectations of how something needs to be done
  • No or little or vague written rules and guidelines
  • Lack of use of honorifics, titles
  • Focus on the outcome or the relationships

How Procedure can be interpreted differently 

There are many different personal and professional reasons for why someone would care about giving and/or getting Procedure as a form of respect. Understanding your forms of respect starts with asking yourself: why does this matter to me? Many people in our research talked about their families and childhood. Others focused on the demands of their current job function and meeting expectations. 

FoR provides a shared language to describe what you need. You’ll be able to use this language to navigate conflict and address misunderstanding. This can come up when you want a particular FoR of respect and you aren’t getting it. You can then share why the FoR matters to you.

Scenario 1:

Kim and Mike are peers on the same team. Kim asked Mike to help her on a project and she sent him instructions on how to do the work. Mike gets his part done on time. Kim is upset. Mike is unsure why. It turns out Mike didn’t read her instructions and missed a few steps, so the finished project isn’t as she wanted. Kim tells Mike, “I really care about getting Procedure from my peers because it makes me feel like you care enough to read what I took the time to write. Also, many of these instructions are built on my previous experience. When you don’t follow the instructions, you’re not acknowledging my experience and expertise on the topic. I’ve had previous coworkers who underestimate my abilities and didn’t read my instructions.” Kim doesn’t just tell Mike what she needs, she also tells him what past experiences have shaped this need. Mike now understands. Otherwise, he might think Kim is just being too rigid. 

Scenario 2:

Eric always gives precise instructions and reminders on how and when to do things. It makes Ann, his direct report, feel like he doesn’t trust her to do her job. Finally she tells him, “I feel like you tell me what to do all the time. It reminds me of my parents talking to me like I’m a child.” Eric is surprised. He tells her, “I give Procedure as a form of respect because I grew up with parents who spoke limited English and I translated for them. I also had to manage their appointments and schedules. Taking the time to do that for them was a form of respect because I didn’t assume they would understand the English.” Learning that, Ann could understand why Eric did what he did and Eric tried to give Ann less Procedure once he learned it makes her feel like a child. 

Our preference for certain Forms of Respect are rooted in our past experiences. Explaining those experiences builds empathy with others. Whenever you work with someone who doesn’t share your same forms of respect, you can use FoR to talk about it. Ask them about their past experiences, who influenced them, and why adhering to the rules is personally important.

Procedure is a form of respect focused on rules, protocol, clear expectations and structure. If you don’t care about Procedure as a form of respect, it doesn’t mean you’re disrespectful. It just means you don’t place as much value or emphasis on following rules, protocol, clear expectations, and structure.

What’s Next

Check out Dr. Julie Pham’s book, 7 Forms of Respect: A Guide to Transforming Your Communication and Relationships at Work.

To learn more about the 7 Forms of Respect, you can also sign up for a workshop and get access to our full 7 Forms of Respect Assessment. CuriosityBased is also available to consult with your company or team about applying the 7 Forms of Respect to improve communication, collaboration, and trust.

Is Procedure a form of respect for you? 
Take the free quiz here.

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