Have your expectations changed around giving and reciprocity over the years ? If so, how and why?
My friend Shani taught me a lot about authentic reciprocity. I first described those lessons in 2023 in an essay in memoriam for Shani, after she unexpectedly passed away.
A year after we met during a fellowship program in Europe, Shani invited me to visit her home in Detroit. She told me from the beginning that in her family, guests don’t pay for anything and she proceeded to take me out to her favorite upscale restaurants. When Shani wanted to visit Seattle the following year, I was nervous she might anticipate a similar level of hospitality, one that I couldn’t really provide or afford. For example, I lived in a small studio with one couch and one bed while she owned a big brownstone with a guest suite.
Shani eased my nerves by telling me, “While I like to pay for my guests, I don’t expect the same thing in return.” Without being explicit, she conveyed that reciprocity doesn’t mean exchanging gifts of similar “value” but being generous with each other in our own ways.
In the years since Shani and I hosted each other, my beliefs around authentic reciprocity have evolved to include:
- If we want something, we should tell people. Otherwise, our unspoken expectations will only make us feel bad.
- If something is given in the spirit of a gift, no return gift is “owed.”
- Don’t assign a monetary value to intangible gifts, because we’ll never agree on the value.
- Be proud and confident of what we are able to give.
The human interaction of giving and getting is the process of making ourselves and each other whole, filling in one another’s gaps and needs.
When I think back to my friendship with Shani, I can appreciate how we were two very different people from different parts of the country who wanted to invite each other into our worlds. We gave each other what felt good to give, and accepted that those gifts would be different.
I’d love to hear about your beliefs on reciprocity and how it guides what you expect to give and get.ople in their life that they see as villains.
Best,
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