September 18 marks National Respect Day, so I thought I’d share my most current thinking on respect.
When I first started my research on what would become the 7 Forms of Respect® framework, I asked people what respect looked like to them. Many cited the “Golden Rule: Treat people the way you would want to be treated.” Then I would ask, “What if someone doesn’t want to be treated the way you want to be treated?” The Golden Rule doesn’t always apply.
That’s why I came up with the “Rubber Band Rule” of respect, which reflects how we all intuitively stretch for others because we want to show people respect in the ways that matter to them. Sometimes we stretch so much to accommodate others that we end up snapping and breaking. The Rubber Band Rule is about learning what our breaking points are so that we don’t let ourselves constantly snap as we try to respect others. While the Rubber Band Rule can help us identify our boundaries, the rule reminds us to be aware that respect is dynamic and stretchy.
Here’s the thing: Stretching is good for us. I don’t want to live in a world where no one stretches. Since we all define respect differently, mutual respect requires our willingness to stretch.
Nowadays, there’s so much talk about setting our own boundaries because we’re tired of accommodating others, that we can take for granted how much other people actually stretch for us.
I experienced that myself recently. Here’s what happened: I had arranged to take my friend, “Pete,” who was visiting Seattle, on a special outing hosted by an acquaintance of mine, “Leslie.” Less than 36 hours before we were scheduled to meet, Pete asked me if I could reschedule with Leslie to later that week. He said, “I can go at the original time, but I will be very tired from working late the night before.”
At first, I felt my time and effort was disrespected. I hate changing plans with such short notice and felt like I would potentially hurt my relationship with an acquaintance who was doing me a favor. So, I was going to ask Pete to stick to the original plan. But then I realized he was revealing how he needed to prioritize rest. So, I told Pete I didn’t want to impose more on Leslie by asking her to reschedule, so I would apologize on his behalf and cancel. I also said I’d appreciate more notice from him in the future when asking to change our plans.
I could tell Pete was relieved. He apologized profusely the next day. That’s when I recognized how much Pete didn’t want to disappoint me. He had put off asking me to reschedule until he had to be honest with himself about how exhausted he’d be if he tried to stick to the original plan. I’m glad Pete spoke his truth.
Pete and I were in a tough situation where there was no perfect solution to make everyone happy. We were honest about our breaking points. Respect is tested everyday just like this in these seemingly small, unanticipated conflicts.
When you think about respect, don’t just think about how much you personally stretch. Think about how others might be stretching to show you respect, while also trying to not snap and break themselves.
Respect isn’t always simple and straightforward. The Rubber Band Rule of respect recognizes life’s many unpredictable variables. When did you experience someone not showing you respect in the way you wanted, and then you realized how much they were actually stretching for you?
I’d love to hear from you.
Best,
Check out more CuriosityBased newsletters
