It’s natural to feel defensive or hurt when getting negative or constructive feedback. I know I feel that way. A common mistake I see people make about getting feedback is that they think they automatically had to change or react immediately. We all benefit from taking some time to think about the feedback given to us because it is just one person’s opinion, not a universal truth. Knowing how to respond to constructive feedback takes practice. Here are three different stages that will help you practice how to respond to constructive feedback.
First stage– how to respond when you’re getting the constructive feedback:
- Thank the person for the feedback.
- Ask clarifying questions, such as the behavior they’re giving you feedback on. Be careful not to sound defensive when you are asking these clarifying questions that you were not being defensive. You are truly trying to understand what they saw. Sometimes people can’t give you examples, and that is telling their feedback might be very subjective. For example, they may say “you’re rude” and they can’t think of any examples of things you’ve said. If you don’t think you can stop yourself from getting defensive, skip to the next step.
- Let them know you need some time to process their feedback. We often assume that we have to react right away and I think that’s wrong. We all need some time to process hard news, so give yourself permission to take that time. It will also benefit them because when you respond to them, you will be more calm and have processed what they said.
Second stage, process the constructive feedback by yourself:
- Remind yourself that negative feedback isn’t a personal attack.
- Ask yourself why you do what you’re being criticized for–is there a purpose?
When you’re processing, it could also be helpful to think about why you do that thing that you do. Perhaps you grew up in a family that was very blunt and direct. You can explain this, not as a way to get them to excuse you, but as a way for them to understand you more. For example, “I grew up in a family that spoke very directly to one another and I guess that has been carried over in how I present myself at work. I will think about making adjustments and I also want you to understand this is where I am familiar and comfortable with.”
- Talk to other people about the feedback you received and ask for different interpretations. It’s natural for different people to have different interpretations and reactions to your behavior, which is why it’s important not to let one person’s opinion sway everything. I remember one person was told she was too blunt by a few coworkers, and then she was told by other coworkers she was too indirect and not blunt enough.
- Decide if you want to take it or leave it and/or just adjust your behavior with the person giving you that feedback. Remember, this is just one person’s opinion.
Third stage- closing the feedback loop:
After you’ve taken the time to process, then go back to the person and see if you can talk about it. This is the third stage and closes the loop.
Which of these strategies resonates with you? I’d love for you to share your thoughts in the comments section. If this was helpful, please share it with a friend or post it on social media.
Leave a Reply