How to Identify How You Want Your Friends to Treat You
We all have friends who treat us well—and others who sometimes don’t. Some friends may hurt us unintentionally, while others uplift and support us. Most of us have an instinctive sense of what we value in friendship, yet we rarely take time to articulate it clearly.
Before you can ask people to treat you differently, you need to be specific about how you want to be treated. Here are six simple steps to help you identify what respectful, caring friendship looks like to you.
1. Ask Yourself Who Treats You Well
Start by identifying who among your friends consistently treats you well. I feel very fortunate to have a long list of friends who have been amazingly supportive over the years.
2. List Specific Examples of What They Do
As you look through your list of names, think about what these friends do to show their support.
It could be:
- Sending you a text to check in.
- Remembering your birthday.
- Posting a photo of your book in an interesting place.
These small gestures often say a lot about how people express care and respect.
3. Analyze for Themes and Patterns
Look for patterns in how your friends show up for you. Consolidate your list into general categories.
For example, you might have:
- “Listened to me when I was sad about losing my job.”
- “Listened when I was struggling with my health.”
Both examples point to a common theme—listening.
For me, I’ve been deeply moved by all the acts of kindness my friends have shown. Every year, I design a different Valentine’s card. This year, I decided to write out a list of these acts of kindness and highlight the ones that stood out most. (You can read my list here.)
4. Identify the Friends Who Don’t Treat You Well
Now, make a list of the friends who treat you poorly. Hopefully, this list is much shorter.
Some of these may be long-term or “legacy” friendships that have stayed out of habit, even if they no longer feel good.
5. Write Down What Hurts You
Think about what specific behaviors bother or hurt you. For example, some friends may have unrealistic expectations of you or make you feel judged.
Writing these behaviors out helps you recognize patterns that you may want to address or change.
6. Reflect on What You Really Want
Finally, look at your lists and compare them. What do you notice?
Do the things that hurt you reveal what you value most?
For example:
- If a friend constantly interrupts you, you might write, “Doesn’t interrupt me when I’m talking.”
- If someone dismisses your opinions, you might add, “Listens to me with openness.”
If you’re familiar with the 7 Forms of Respect® framework, you can even categorize how you want to be treated through those forms—such as Acknowledgment, Consideration, or Attention.
Be Specific About What “Better” Means
It’s easy to say, “I want my friends to treat me better,” but “better” can mean very different things to different people.
For example:
- One person might appreciate when friends buy them meals.
- Another might find it condescending, as if their friends think they can’t afford to pay.
The more specific you are, the easier it becomes to communicate your needs and improve your relationships.
Show Gratitude and Communicate Clearly
Don’t forget to let the friends who treat you well know how much you appreciate them. Be specific about what they do that makes a difference.
And the next time you interact with friends who have hurt you, gently express how you would like to be treated instead. Clear, compassionate communication creates room for mutual respect, understanding, and stronger friendships.
If you need help specifying how you would like to be treated and respected, check out our free crash course, a 20-minute guide to asking for the respect you want.
