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How to Say “No” to a Friend or Acquaintance

June 21, 2023 by Dr. Julie Pham Leave a Comment

How do you say “no” to a friend or acquaintance when they ask you for help? It can be really hard to ask for help, even from your friends. When someone asks me for help, I’m thinking about how difficult it must’ve been for them to ask for help. I naturally want to say yes not because I want to do the thing but because I want to reward them for having the courage to ask for help. Even though you’re compassionate, it doesn’t mean you have to say yes. I think this leads to more people who say yes than they should.

It’s important to recognize the way we say no to our coworkers will be different from the way that we say no to our friends or acquaintances.

Here are 8 tips for saying “no” to your a friend’s or acquaintance’s request:

  1. Try to understand the request.

    Take the time to ask questions. At least making the effort to consider the request. When you ask questions about their ask, you may find out they actually need something else or you may be able to think of another solution.

  2. If you need more time or information, tell them when you can give them an answer by.

    Think about how you feel when you ask someone for help over email or text message and they don’t respond. Do you get worried about how they might be thinking about you? I’ve experienced times where friends have totally ignored me when I’ve asked for help and I was left worrying about how my request made them feel. So when you need more time to think about something, it’s important to just respond to say that. You could say, “I’ll let you know at the end of the week if I can do it.”

  3. If the request is easy to understand and for you it’s a clear-cut “no,” respond as soon as you can.

    They might be worried and wondering how you’re feeling about their request. If you can’t do it, just let them know the sooner the better. A lot of people, if they don’t want to say yes, or if they can’t say yes, then they just don’t say anything at all. I think if you know it’s something you can’t do, just say that immediately. It’s better than dragging it out.

  4. Say “no“ and offer an alternative solution.

    “I can’t do that, however, I can do this.” I’ve been asked to attend fundraising events and to make cash donations. Instead, I have offered to donate my services so they can auction them off. When you asked questions about their request, you may have come up with alternative solutions, so share them. You do want to be helpful, even if you’re not the one who can directly help them.

  5. Share why you need to say no and what your priorities are.

    It could be helpful for the person to understand why you were saying no. This doesn’t require a long, apologetic explanation. In fact, the shorter the better. I’ve shared “It’s really difficult for me to meet up in person, so I will have to say no.” or “I won’t be able to make a donation because my priority giving areas are this and this” or “All of my resources are dedicated to my family right now.” 

  6. Don’t give them hope if this is something you’ll never do.

    Think about if this is something you’d ever be willing to do or not. For example, some people have asked me to pet sit and I know I will never pet sit. In this case, I just let them know I have no experience with pets and I would not be a good candidate for pet sitting.

  7. Welcome them to ask you again if you do want to be asked.

    Sometimes you have to say no because you’re not available to help them out. If that’s the case, you can let them  know by saying “I can’t help this time, please do ask again though.” It lets them know that even though you can’t do it now, it lets them know they can still ask you again in the future. 

  8. Wish them good luck.

    Even if you can’t help them and you don’t know anyone who can, wish them some luck so they can get the help they need. 

If you can say no to your friends and acquaintances more easily, then you will be practicing setting your boundaries and limiting how many things you do out of a self imposed sense of obligation versus out of true desire.

Which of these strategies resonates with you? I’d love for you to share your thoughts in the comments section. If this was helpful, please share it with a friend or post it on social media.

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